I just finished a session with a couple today where this question loomed large. This husband and wife have been married for 15 years and have a couple of kids. While they both have talked about reconciliation, the reality is that he wants to save the marriage and she just wants to escape. Why? Because she doesn’t feel emotionally safe.
She tends to make an attempt to state how she feels about a matter but is quickly shot down as he tells her, basically, how her feelings are wrong. He then goes into lecture mode and she goes silent. Oftentimes, she gives up, gives in, and goes along with what her husband says is reality. But the entire time, she is just looking to escape. If only he could grasp how his bullying impacts her, I honestly believe they would have a fighting chance of pulling their marriage out of the fire.
I appreciate the words of Dr. Tim Clinton when he writes, “Become an emotionally safe couple who fights fair. Do not dig up the past, throw insults or try to manipulate when a disagreement arises. Commit to truly listening to one another and developing an atmosphere of safety. This will allow you to accept influence from each other and become your partner’s support system and truth teller in life”
Failing to truly listen and manipulating the conversation to your advantage are sure-fire ways to kill desire and lead one to seek an emotional hiding place – which may entail them leaving the marriage. So ask yourself this question – “Is my spouse emotionally safe? Have I done all I can to create a place of safety for him or her?” If not, today is a great day to start!