We all have them – triggers. However, we are not all aware that we do or even what they are. For example you may notice that you are talking with your spouse and they make an innocent comment, such as “You know what you should do,” and suddenly your stomach begins to churn and you can feel your anger rising. But why? Is there something wrong with their comment? What’s going on?
If you are able to step back and examine the situation, and search your feelings in that moment, you may make an interesting discovery. This feeling may be very familiar. You recall that while you were in high school, trying to become your own person, you would be telling your mom about a decision you had made and she would interject – “You know what you should do?” It always felt like a put-down, like you weren’t smart enough to know what to do, and it would make your blood boil.
Even though it has been years since you may have been in that situation with your mom, when your spouse made that statement, it took you back to your high school days with your mom, and suddenly you’re in that dreadful place again. In reality, you weren’t reacting to your spouse – you were reacting to your mom.
So, what can you do? Working to become more self-aware is a good place to start. When your response to the other person seems disproportionate to what was said, take a moment before responding and do an emotional inventory. You might discover that you are actually responding to somebody else. Try to set that triggered response aside and respond to the person standing in front of you instead. They probably have no idea what happened when you were 16 and are doing their best to be helpful now. Give them the benefit of the doubt and see if the conversation doesn’t go better.