I sat with a couple yesterday that are having enormous problems with connection. He feels that his wife is aloof and doesn’t want to connect with him, which couldn’t be less true. She is feeling that he has no idea what makes her tick nor does he have a desire to. They both say it seems as though they just operate as roommates. And they are not alone in this. It is a common complaint that I often hear.
Taking the couple that I mentioned above as an example, I want to suggest four steps that they, as well as you and I, might take, that could improve our connection with our mate.
- This particular wife wants her husband to know how she is hurting but she feels that he has no interest in her world/her head space. The first thing that he could stop doing that would be huge, is trying to fix her. When he tries to fix her, it communicates that her feelings are wrong or not valid. That is not helpful.
- In an attempt to understand each other, they can both benefit from asking questions. If I form an opinion and draw conclusions before the other person has had a chance to hardly communicate, there is no way I can gain understanding. But by asking questions I am more likely to gain insight into the person’s world and perspective.
- Let go of preconceived notions. You may have an idea of what is going on in a given situation and you may disagree with your mate’s position. But if you are trying to validate their feelings, it really doesn’t matter whether you agree with them or not. Reserve judgment as you listen.
- Finally, be fully present. Turn the TV off, put the ever-present cell phone away, and give them your full attention.
Taking these four steps are likely to increase your emotional connection. Why not give them a try.