More and more I find myself listening to clients describe fights they have with their mate that drag on forever – or at least for a really long time. But do they need to? One would think that couples would want fights to end quickly so that they could move on to enjoying each other. Unfortunately, many find themselves going into silent mode and licking their emotional wounds without any resolution. But why?
Frequently, individuals are focused more on “being right” or “winning” than they are on actually resolving the problem or coming to agreement. When this is the case, it is as though two individuals have hunkered down behind their respective walls and are simply lobbing grenades at each other. It would be far more beneficial if each person took a reflective look at what they each may have contributed to the problem. Yes – it can be difficult to be the first to backup and reflect – but this is your partner we are talking about. You have to ask yourself, “Would I rather win the war, with emotional carnage all around, or be loved by my spouse?”
The second thing that sometimes comes into play can be a genuine fear of not knowing what to do to resolve an issue. This can be challenging for even the most experienced. Remember – you are part of the same team. It is truly OK to say to your mate – “I don’t know how we got here, I don’t like being on seemingly opposite sides, I don’t know how to get out of this place, but I love you and I really want us to be on the same page. Can we get there together?” That is an honest statement most spouses would respond to positively.
While it doesn’t resolve all of the issues – it is a healthy place to start!