So, you had a fight with your spouse yesterday. It was a silly fight, in many respects. You found yourself actually arguing over how to load the dishwasher. While not uncommon, you somehow managed to use words that, not only made their way seem inferior, you attacked their character and implied that, as a person, they are inferior. The fight only lasted 10 minutes, but now you are on day three of the cold shoulder. It’s not fun. But why are you stuck in this place.
Frequently, when we find ourselves in these situations, we allow our pride to get in the way and we are determined that we are not going to be the first to give in. We figure that if we can hold out long enough, our spouse will crack first and give in. We may feel that being the first to speak somehow is an admission that we were wrong. Sometimes we need to be reminded that truly our arguments are not about winning or losing but about how we can work together,
Along with this is having the need to “be right.” I have even had some clients state that they want to be right at least once in a while. So, after a fight they may relive the arguments in their head doubling down on why they are right and their spouse is wrong. However, remembering that we are a team, a more productive approach might be – and this can be hard – to look inward and see how I might have contributed to the conflict.
So, if you would like to spend less time being angry and distant from your spouse, you might try these two strategies.