“Well,” you think, “I live with my spouse,” or “my spouse and our kids.” While that is certainly true but I’m looking a little deeper. You see, when we get married we typically feel that we are marrying the ideal person. However, as the months and years go by, we may begin to find them, well . . . less than ideal. For example, when he would occasionally leave his dirty clothes on the floor, you initially may have thought it cute. But over time, it has become his way of making work for you or just trying to tick you off. Or at least, so you believe.
I find great truth in a statement by a family therapist named John Van Epp; “You don’t really live with the partner in your home, you live with the partner in your head.” Think about that for a moment using the dirty clothes example. How did the husband’s leaving of dirty clothes on the floor progress from cute to fight inducing? While it is possible that his intent has changed, it is far more likely that our perceptions of his intent have changed. With that shift we begin to see a boogey man around every corner. In other words, we question his or her intent and motivation about virtually everything.
Irritating and annoying behaviors are a natural part of nearly every relationship. It is a two-way street. But the good news is – things can change. The challenging news it that that change begins with you. You see no matter how frustrating your partner’s behavior is, the greater part of it is your interpretation of it. We attach meaning to behavior – and sometimes we completely miss the mark.
We will look at some of these irritating behaviors over the next few weeks. But this week’s tip is to simply ask a question. As you notice one of your mate’s annoying behaviors this week, ask yourself this: “Is it possible that what he or she is doing right now is in no way aimed at me?” And if it is not, how does that alter your feelings?