“Why did you let the kids run around in the backyard in their pajamas?” “Why did you eat donuts for dinner?” “Why didn’t you do your homework?” “Why did you say such a hurtful thing?” We ask why a lot. We ask it of our kids, our spouse, and sometimes those whom we supervise at work. Why do we ask why?
Now you are probably thinking – well, I ask why because I want to know. Perhaps. But there are many occasions when we ask “why,” not because we want an answer, but because we are upset. Think about it. What is the correct answer to “Why did you eat donuts for dinner?” If the answer is, “Because they sounded good,” will you be satisfied? Will that make it ok? How about, “Why didn’t you do your homework?” If your child responds with, “Because I didn’t want to,” are you libel to respond with, “Well, that’s ok then. Thanks for telling me?”
We frequently ask “why” questions when actually a more appropriate response would be – “I feel unloved when you say such hurtful things.” But instead of responding in an emotionally honest manner, we say “why.” If you are on the receiving end of the question, “why” can feel very accusatory. Which may be what you want the person to feel. But you have put them in a position to be wrong no matter what the answer. When we ask “Why did you let the kids run around in the backyard in their pajamas?” there is a hidden statement that the other person may hear as “You are an unworthy parent and should not be trusted with the children.” When we feel accused, we typically either respond defensively or we withdraw and shut down.
So, this week I encourage you, when appropriate, to work to make more honest feeling statements to your spouse rather than ask “Why” questions. They will feel valued and appreciate the more thoughtful approach.