Last week we looked at the Gottman Institute study that demonstrated a connection between day to day partnering and increased levels of sexual intimacy. Over time, the study determined, that the sexual connection was sustained when the wife felt respected and understood. And these two components are communicated by accepting influence from one another and being responsive to each other’s feelings.
So often, it is this lack of being sensitive to the needs of the other that results in stonewalling and defensiveness. Invariably there are times, when for any number of reasons, a spouse may say “no” to a partner’s sexual advances. What happens next is critical to a couple’s long-term emotional and sexual health.
If a partner communicates annoyance or responds curtly with a disgusted “Fine!” there is a cost in this form of punishment. The rejected pursuer may say indignantly, “I don’t really want to have sex with you anyway!” This leads to a rejection of the other person, and over time, this mutually punishing interaction leads to a level of toxicity that can kill a marriage.
A number of years ago, a couple came into my office whose experiences like that above, led to a five year stalemate as they each waited for the other to come out of their respective corner to make the first sexual move. They both were wounded, feeling punished, rejected, and undesirable. Unfortunately, they had managed to drain all remaining life out of their marriage before they ever got to my office.
A much healthier response to a “No,” would be something like, “I really appreciate your telling me that you are exhausted from the day. I understand and respect that. So, what would you like to do?” If you can unselfishly respond to the “no” positively, you will communicate the very understanding that sustains long-term sexual health.
I encourage you to: 1) partner with your spouse in the day to days of life, as we discussed last week, and 2) to communicate in your words and behavior – respect and understanding of his or her feelings at every opportunity. Your relationship depends on it.