I recently sat with a couple who were in the heat of a disagreement. They had an argument that morning that had begun small – over a misunderstood comment but was then followed with the phrase “you don’t support me.” From there things went down hill at full throttle. But why? He was completely offended and felt invalidated by this comment. In trying to discuss what happened, he found it very difficult to get his head around the issue. He kept saying, “I do support her, I do love her, she is a priority.” Yet, those words seemed to fall on deaf ears.
It wasn’t that she didn’t hear the words, because she did. It was that she had heard them before – over and over. But the words were not backed up with concrete and congruent actions. Instead, he would say these words but then continue in his self-centered behaviors that were not supportive of her, that did not make her a priority. Yet, he then seemed bewildered that she did not believe his words. Why? Because he missed out on an important concept – actions always trump words!
Don’t misunderstand me and think that affirming words are not important, because they are. But in order to be believable and valued and accepted by the person hearing them, they must be backed up by consistent actions. Think about it – when you are sent two different and conflicting messages – one by words and one by behavior or actions – which one do you believe? No doubt, it is what you clearly see over what you might hear. It was true when we were kids (and is true for our kids) and is no less true for us as adults. Your loved one likes to hear words of support when they know that they can count on you to back up those words with tangible supportive behavior. What can you do today to begin to be believable? What actions can you choose to follow-through on with your loved ones? I encourage you to pull out the trump card today and love your partner with your behaviors.