It is Friday evening and you are finally enjoying an evening with your spouse without the children. You are having dinner in a romantic setting, the conversation is intimate and meaningful, you are excited to have this time without interruptions, when you hear that all too familiar text sound on your husband or wife’s phone. In that moment your evening has been disrupted by their eagerness to respond to the text.
In a study conducted by Brigham Young University, researchers found that phones, computers, and other devices are significantly impacting marriages and other close relationships. When a partner responds to a text instead of focusing attention on you, it can feel a lot like being shunned. As author Guy Winch asks, “What message does this send? Your partner may be telling you any number of things, none of them good: ‘What I’m doing on my phone right now is more important than you;’ ‘I’m more interested in these random people than in you;’ or worse still, ‘You’re not worthy of my attention, period.”
Functional MRI studies reveal that this kind of rejection triggers the same brain responses as physical pain and ultimately over time leads to depression. But this pattern does not have to continue. There are definite steps that couples can take to address this.
Partners should acknowledge when technology is necessary – such as for a person’s job or if a family member is in need.
- You should then agree on reasonable expectations – finding ways to meet obligations while protecting your relationship.
- Agree to technology free zones – this could be locations, such as the bedroom or when you are out on dates and/or time frames, such as after 9:00 pm and so on.
Technology is convenient, helpful, and necessary. But it should never take precedence in your life over the relationship with your significant other. Talk with them this week and find ways to address technological interferences in a manner that says loud and clear – “You are more important to me than any smartphone message from anybody. You are the number one person in my life and I am willing to set boundaries that will demonstrate that truth.”