You come home from work and find your wife despondent. You ask “What’s the matter?” and she unloads on you about what one of your grown children said to her that left her feeling rejected. Wanting to help, you indicate that you will call that child and get this straightened out. But to your surprise, your wife gets upset with you and adamantly states, “Oh no you won’t. I don’t want you to do that. That will only make things worse. What’s wrong with you?” And in that one instant it seems as though you went from hero to villain. What happened?
Guys, when our spouse comes to us with a problem, they want our support. Unfortunately, our first response as husbands is to want to fix the problem. In our minds, we tend to think that if they bring us a problem, surely they want us to solve it. But clearly that is not necessarily the case. So, how can we best support our partner in this situation? Let me suggest three steps.
- First we need to listen – really listen. Listening to the content of what they are saying as well as what they are feeling about the situation is where we want to begin. Using “Reflective Listening” will help us to make certain we understand what we are being told.
- Ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me right now?” Perhaps she is looking for a solution, so you can help her to find one. But she may just be wanting to vent and sees you as a safe sounding board. Be what she needs.
- Let her know that you are in her corner with a touch on her arm or a hug. Physical touch can be a concrete form of support that is very reassuring.
As much as we as men want to fix things, remember that sometimes not fixing things can be the best support we can offer.