It has been a long week and you are looking forward to Friday night. Between work, the kids, and your parents – you are exhausted. You are in dire need of rejuvenation; of an energy boost. So, you approach your spouse to discuss what the two of you might want to do with, what has begun to feel like, a sacred block of time.
Your husband responds with “Let’s go to my company’s fall party. There will be lots of people and it should be fun.” Even as he utters those words, you can feel what energy you have left, slowly draining from your body. You were hoping for a quiet dinner out with just the two of you. You wonder why he can’t understand that. Suddenly you start to think that he is just inconsiderate, while he accuses you of being a “downer.” As you both dig your heels in, you begin to throw disparaging comments towards each other.
The reality is that the two of you are probably not being inconsiderate or a party pooper. Truly you have different personality styles which can pose a conflict. One of you is more recharged by being around people, while the other one draws energy from within. This poses a genuine conflict that requires effort and compromise by endeavoring to understand your partner’s needs. Too often we assume the world (including our spouse) thinks like we think and wants what we want. Rarely is that true.
As you encounter authentic differences between you and your mate’s personalities, attempt to learn as much as you can about his or her needs, then find ways to lovingly meet those needs. Remember, your spouse is the “real” person in front of you – not the one that exists in your head. Direct your heart towards the “real” one.