I sat with a couple yesterday when the wife asked this very question. Her husband had secretly shredded their finances, spending all of their money and running up debt. She never had a clue – until the overdraft notices began to arrive by phone and mail, from the bank. She was livid.
She had been a stay-at-home mom with their kiddos and they enjoyed a fairly financially comfortable lifestyle until the deception occurred. Now she is looking at various work/business opportunities in order to secure her future, because she doesn’t trust her husband. He wants her to forgive him. While she states that she has, thick tension still exists. Why?
Forgiveness means “to excuse, to pardon, to cancel a debt or hurt.” While the wife wants to do that, something is still missing for her – reconciliation. You see, it is one thing to let go of an offense if there is no further relationship. This frees the individual offering forgiveness from continuing to carry that grudge or burden around. But forgiveness in an ongoing relationship looks different.
I liken it to blowing up a bridge that spans a river, with the offender on one side and the wounded individual on the other. If they are to continue to interact, the bridge will have to be rebuilt and that takes effort and intentionality. If we are the offender, we often want a “get out of jail free card” – just wipe my slate clean please. While that would be easy for the offender, it does nothing to restore the relationship.
So, if you have found yourself struggling to forgive an offense, perhaps it has to do with the work not being done to truly rebuild the bridge. Maybe it’s time to start!