We all get into routines. Sometimes they are good ones – like brushing your teeth. Other times, not so good, such as yelling when you are frustrated. As a result, there are certainly those routines that we want to hang on to while others we need to jettison as quickly as possible.
For example, a couple sat in my office yesterday discussing a blow-up they had last weekend. It seems that when the wife comes home tired from work, she occasionally forgets to close the garage door. Since this happens with some frequency, the husband has been known to respond with harsh criticism. As you can imagine, the conversation gets intense, voice are raised, feelings are hurt, and tears may be shed. Ultimately, the couple spends the evening in separate rooms of the house licking their wounds, both feeling disrespected and unloved,
Now one would think that after this scenario is repeated a couple of times, the husband would try a different approach. But invariably he defaults back to the harsh criticism. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we can easily find ourselves living with the person in our head (our thoughts and perceptions of our spouse) rather than the person standing in front of us. If this is going to change, we need to break the dysfunctional pattern of interaction.
So, just to stimulate your creative thinking, let me tell you what happened with the couple above. One day the husband came home to find the garage door opened again. But this time rather than walk in loaded for bear, he came in found his wife – passionately embraced her and said, “Thank you for loving me and anticipating my return by opening the garage for me. That was incredibly kind.” She was stunned – pleasantly so. Two things happened: 1) they had a wonderfully different evening together, and 2) his kindness was a motivator for her to be a little more diligent about taking care of the garage door.
This week’s Tip – when confronted with one of those unpleasant and frequent interactions, pause and ask yourself, “What can I do differently this time that could break the pattern?”