Remember when you were newlyweds and love oozed out all over? But then one day you walked in the door and your partner said, “I need to talk with you about something.” A dark sense of dread enveloped you and you suddenly knew that the honeymoon must be over and you were in trouble. How surprised you were when you sat down and your mate excitedly showed you the letter of commendation he or she received at work that day. “Whew. What a relief,” you thought. That was a positive interaction. So why the sense of dread?
Psychologist Tom Bradbury from the University of California has coined the phrase “enduring vulnerabilities.” He uses this to describe historical triggers. These could be certain words, tones of voice, or even facial expressions that dig up old feelings that set off specific reactions. These could stem from your relationships with your parents or even previous romantic relationships. There may even be times when you fear that you have “married” one or the other of your parents, as you find yourself reacting to your spouse in the same manner that you did with mom or dad. Perhaps he or she is treating you in a manner that is unpleasantly familiar. Or it might not be the same at all, even though it feels like it.
Rather than get caught in a cycle of misunderstood action, and therefore a derailing reaction, why not try something different. Rather than assume that you know the intent and meaning of an all too familiar action, ask. Communicate with your spouse those vulnerabilities so that you don’t have to keep living out those unpleasant experiences. Be willing this week to ask questions rather than make assumptions. My guess is that if you do this, the clouds of dread just might dissipate.