When life gets challenging, we all need understanding and support – especially from our spouse. While we all agree with that, or at least we think we do, I would ask, “What are we talking about?” You see when someone says “support” it is easy to think we all mean the same thing but oftentimes we don’t. And this sets the stage for conflict.
Four different kinds of support have been identified by University of Iowa psychologist Erika Lawrence: 1) emotional – such as listening; 2) tangible – helping with chores; 3) esteem – encouraging and empowering words; and 4) informational – such as giving advice. The trick is knowing which one our spouse needs in any given moment. The right approach at the wrong time can feel either abandoning or smothering.
Some attempt to guess what their mate needs. While they may guess right once in a while other times they miss the mark completely. So how do you know which response your husband or wife needs? I have heard some say, “Well, if he love me, he’ll know.” That may sound romantic, but it is a set up for failure. Instead, tell your partner what you need. If you will do that instead of hoping they get lucky and guess correctly, they are much more likely to provide needed support. And vice versa, if you don’t know what they need, ask. It sounds so simple – and it is – if we will do it.