It Is 3:00 AM and it is starting again . . . his snoring. You lay in bed getting more irritated by the minute. Part of your irritation is because you can’t sleep, which of course contributes to you being tired, which in turn contributes to your irritation. The longer you listen to the snoring, slowly you become convinced that he is doing this because he is uncaring, selfish, and doesn’t want you to get any sleep. As a matter of fact, you are pretty sure he is doing this on purpose.
Now putting this in print in the light of day may expose the absurdity of the argument. But in the darkness at 3:00 AM, the thoughts somehow seem coherent. However, if you are to keep yourself from whacking him with a pillow (or whatever else may be handy), it is essential that you address his intent; and here it is . . . he is sleeping. In all likelihood, there is no intent associated with the snoring.
Psychologist Michael Cunningham from the University of Louisville likens irritating behaviors to allergies. When we are first exposed to an allergen in the air, we typically have a mild reaction. But by the hundredth exposure, we may be coughing and wheezing. Similarly, the first time your partner leaves a cabinet door open, it is no big deal – it may even seem cute, but after repeated incidents (especially if you have brought it to his or her attention), you lose your cool.
This is why those in lengthy relationships can seem to explode over the tiniest of infractions.
While I realize that some individuals use irritants as a way to have power in a relationship, I find that more often than not, annoying behaviors are more likely to reflect a difference in how we approach the world. This week, when your spouse demonstrates one of those irritating behaviors (or when he or she notices ones that you produce), try to use them as an opportunity to discuss intent. Many times what seems intentional might be mere lack of awareness or thoughtlessness. Make it your goal to understand the other person’s perspective.