“That really makes me mad.” “I am livid.” “I’m seeing red.” These are all statements of anger. Sometimes we leave anger unexpressed and other times express it – maybe too much or inappropriately.
There are a number of anger centers throughout the world that are designed to help people express anger. At one center in Dallas, customers are encouraged to smash everything from TVs to mannequins. Organizers of a location in Spain have built an outdoor venue where individuals can pay for the privilege of picking up a sledgehammer and demolishing everything from cars to appliances. This destructotherapy, as it is often called, is controversial as to just how much it helps or whether it actually might fuel increased anger. But the premise of needing to express anger is solid. A study that came out of the University of Michigan reported that “couples who regularly got problems off their chests lived longer than those who internalized them.”
So what is the message for those in a partnership? Is the message that you need to go around your house and smash stuff? Hardly. But I think expressing anger is an important need. Many people fear anger and believe that they must have a character flaw if they get angry. But that is not the case. Even the scriptures say as much when they state, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). Getting angry is not the problem – what you do with it is. If you are angry and choose to become verbally or physically aggressive with your spouse – that will be destructive and will not lead to increased intimacy. However, if you will use the opportunity to express your very real feelings in a healthy manner – enhanced communication and understanding could result. The easiest way to do this is by using “I” messages. Messages in which you own your feelings as opposed to blaming your spouse that he or she “made you feel that way.” That is at least inaccurate and at worst deceptive. When you take responsibility for your emotions, explaining that you feel angry when your spouse does a particular behavior, possibilities open up. You don’t have to resort to name calling and becoming a verbal bully. It can look as simple as “I feel frustrated when you continue to leave the refrigerator door open, and I would appreciate it if you could be more aware of closing it.” I know this is possibly a very different way than you are used to relating. What anger do you need to own and appropriately express this week? To do so just might ultimately draw you closer to your spouse – and you might actually live longer as well. I would be interested to hear how it goes.