While this may seem like a strange question, it is one that was raised recently by author Robert Frank. He discusses a conversation between two women in which one verbalized her frustration and wondered aloud why she kept chasing after guys that had no interest in her. At this same time other guys in whom she had no interest pursued her. Her friend responded with, “You’re an 8 chasing after 10’s, and being chased by 6’s.
Have you ever felt this way about your partner; either feeling somehow superior or inferior to him or her? Some have termed this “comparative calculations.” Surely, when we were dating, we may have had these thoughts. But how does that work in a marriage?
The answer is no surprise – not very well. When we perceive inequality in the relationship, the resulting feelings (depending on whether we perceive ourselves as the 10 or the 6) can range from disappointment and guilt to feeling indignant or undercompensated. Perceived inequality usually results in something less than a gratifying love.
A more accurate view is found in understanding that we complement each other. While one partner may be a better communicator, the other may have stronger problem solving skills. One is more nurturing while the other is more perceptive. I am grateful for areas in which my wife is more gifted (and there are many) than I because it brings greater completeness to our relationship. Mates bring different strengths to the table which is important. If we were both just alike, one of us would be unnecessary.
This week I encourage you to look for at least one or two significant areas where your spouse demonstrates greater strengths, giftings, or skills. Then tell him or her how grateful you are for those critical differences. Allow those inequalities to create a more solid equality.