In this final installment of discussing sex, I want to encourage you with a brief look at how to better crawl into connection with your spouse. While that may seem strangely phrased to you, I am wanting you to picture getting into a place of safety. Perhaps as a child you had a favorite tree house, closet, or bed where you could just crawl up into it, snuggle up with a stuffed animal or blanket, and just safely relax. When you were able to do this, your body lost all of its tension and you were able to truly embrace and enjoy the moment.
James Coan, a University of Virginia neuroscientist, contends that being able to find this kind of safety in connection is an essential ingredient to healthy intimacy. In his brain imaging work, he has been able to see the things that cause stress, consume attention, and drain people of energy. When we experience the stress of work and other distractions, we become self-involved and have difficulty being in the moment with our spouse.
But here is the powerful lesson – when we do something as simple as hold our husband or wife’s hand, a soothing effect takes place. As Coan states, “It’s like magic. Calm washes over the whole brain.” And when that happens, we are able to move into a place of less self-focus and greater readiness to play. The touch of our partner allows us to offload things that are irrelevant.
I hear people, usually women, complain “that the only time my husband touches me is when he wants sex.” This creates tension and resentment. But when couples touch with no agenda, an entirely different effect takes place. Do you want better intimacy with your spouse – try non-sexual touch this week and see what happens. It may not alter the dynamics all it once, but I am confident that it is the first step towards an improved connection.