We have all experienced those times when we have walked into the room and our spouse has “that look.” I have heard it called the “evil eye,” or the “stink eye”, but regardless of what you call it – we all know the look. We used to get it from our parents. We didn’t like it then and we don’t like it now.
I just sat with a couple this afternoon who allows those “looks” to determine the course of their relationship on most days. If he has a raised eyebrow, she assumes that it means he is mad at her; if she looks unhappy, it must mean that she is angry with him for something he did, and so on.
The problem is, those looks oftentimes are grossly misinterpreted which can lead to needless conflicts, periods of silence, loss of affection, and just downright unpleasantness. So, I want to suggest a different approach with some of the following tips.
- Be aware that sometimes the spouse who looks angry may very well be hurting inside.
- Allow your spouse to vent his or her frustration before you communicate your thoughts.
- Ask questions that show that you care. For example, “How long have you been feeling this way?” “What can I do to help?” “Please tell me more.”
- Offer your ideas only after you make sure that your spouse is truly ready to hear them. “Would you like to hear my thoughts concerning this,” could be a respectful way to check for their readiness.
Appearances of anger are not always that clear and simple. I encourage you to try these tips and see if they might change the temperature of the room. If they do, your evening could be much more enjoyable.