As a child, I used to hear my parents speak a language that kept us kids from understanding them. It worked pretty well until we got a little older and could figure it out. You see, it wasn’t a real language but a made up one called “Double Talk.” As an adult, I can’t begin to tell you the rules to this made of language, but I can speak it, and used it when my children were young and I didn’t want them to know what I was saying. When they would hear this, they were left confused and bewildered. Sometimes, as married couples, we may not speak in this made up language, but we engage in communication that can be just as difficult to understand.
“What’s the matter?” “Nothing” (followed by an obvious look that all is not well).
“Where would you like to go to dinner?” “Wherever you would like. Anyplace is fine.” “Well then how about the Italian place over on the north side?” “I guess that would be ok” (said with a less than enthusiastic tone and a look of obvious displeasure).
These situations can lead to frustration and confusion when one person engages in “Double Talk.” In marriage, “Double Talk” is saying one thing when you mean another. Or you may say one thing verbally while your non-verbal language is communicating something far different. Confusion is the result. Yet, you frequently expect your spouse to know what you are saying and you may even find yourself upset when they try to guess what you mean and they get it wrong.
In order to foster healthy communication and solid conflict resolution, it is essential that we not talk, figuratively, out of both sides of our mouth. Communication is challenging enough without complicating it with unclear mixed messages.
Double talk is fun when it is a made up language but is highly frustrating when you want to understand and be on the same page as your partner. In what ways might you speak to your spouse today that clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings?