Conflict seems unavoidable. And I guess, at some level, it is. Now I recognize this can look very different from one relationship to another. For some, there is conflict, often heated, nearly every day. For others, conflict may be mild and infrequent. But it still exists. I want to look at a couple of items with regard to relational conflict today.
Yesterday, I sat with a client who feels stuck because in every quarrel with his girlfriend, which is nearly daily, he feels as though the conflict is his fault. Even if it is an issue that he brings up, he walks away, feeling as though her response, once again, put him in his place and it must be his fault. However, while he certainly has his share of the responsibility, he is not fully to blame for the problems. Yet, there is an often overlooked, deeper issue here.
He and his girlfriend seem to repeat the same arguments over and over without ever achieving resolution. It seems odd to him because, as he states, “We talk for hours sometimes and the issue is still not resolved.” But there is something he is learning, and that is that oftentimes, the issue is not the issue. In other words, the issue they are arguing about is something ridiculous but safe. However, the real issue lies underneath the issue they are arguing about.
A real example of this is when a couple hasn’t been intimate in a while. The husband may be grumbly and out of sorts because of this, but because he fears rejection if he were to bring this up, he instead criticizes his wife for the way she puts the laundry away. That way he can be displeased with her in a way that does not risk his ego. But it is dishonest.
So, I ask you to consider – the next time you find yourself in a repeated or silly conflict, ask yourself – “What is the real issue?” and then work to address that.