Now you may read that title and think, “Well, it sure isn’t her,” or “I let him think he is.” The reality is this – most of us don’t like to be told what to do. While we may like to be in control, rarely do we like to be controlled.
I sat with a couple this afternoon who exemplified this problem. He grew up in a family where Dad was without question, in charge. Therefore, he tends to operate with his family more like a potentate than a husband or father. When he wants to talk about something, then it is important and all need to listen. But when someone else wants to bring up an issue, he doesn’t want to be bothered –and he makes it known. Now his wife, on the other hand, is all about justice and fairness. So, as you can imagine, this double-standard doesn’t go over well.
Now while this is a real problem that they need to address, there is also the perception of intent. We are amazing in our ability (or what we think is our ability) to read our spouse’s mind. We think we know their pre-meditated intent behind every action that we find offensive. But what if we aren’t the capable mind-reader that we think we are? For example, if I am driving home and my wife calls me and tells me not to come home my normal way but suggests an alternative route? I now begin with an assumption. She could have made that call to boss me around or she might have done it so that I could avoid a traffic accident.
Now that situation is probably easier to decipher than most. My point is simply this – we begin every interaction with an assumption. In this case, the other person is either being helpful or controlling. It is my choice how I choose to see it. And what I choose will impact how I feel.
Today, I encourage you to try two things: 1) avoid trying to control your mate – attempting to force them into your expectations, and 2) choose to begin interactions, beginning with a positive assumption.