You rush in the front door, after work, to change clothes, in order to hurry to an HOA meeting that you are running late for. You need to scarf down some dinner and go. Unfortunately, your wife forgot the conversation that you had that morning regarding your tight schedule. She had promised to have something for you to quickly eat but here she is reading a book. Realizing that she forgot, she apologizes profusely. Yet, you are not consoled. Why?
This seems like an innocent mistake – but you can’t let go of it. Part of the complication is that this is not the first time this type of thing has happened. And each time, there is an apology but things just don’t seem to change. Perhaps you don’t believe the apology. Yet, the other person seems so sincere. How can you navigate this?
First, it is important to understand that sometimes forgiveness needs to operate on its own timeline. Our head may logically understand the validity of the other person’s apology but our emotions are still stirred up. We may need some time to allow our feelings to quiet before we area able to move forward.
Second, sometimes forgiveness requires intentionality because our emotions are at such odds with what we know is true. To recognize the person’s genuine remorse allows us to move forward rationally even though our feelings are slow to catch up. Sometimes making that forward move will actually take the attention off of the wound we are licking.
Finally, there are occasions when a hurt ties to a deeper trigger, that really has nothing to do with the perceived offense by this person. We may need to acknowledge that reality in order to move forward with forgiveness. Try to offer the forgiveness that you would hope for if the roles were reversed.