As Jennie sat with her friend Lisa over coffee, she said, “David is such a pig. He never cleans up his messes, he doesn’t put anything away, he gets the milk out and then leaves it on the counter – his inconsideration is driving me crazy.” Needless to say, Jennie was frustrated and felt safe expressing this to her friend.
However, the ongoing sequence led to wounded feelings. You see her friend Lisa shared this conversation with her husband Tony and in turn Tony relayed it back to David. As you can imagine, David went home to Jennie, angry and hurt. Not an uncommon reaction.
While Jennie’s complaint certainly had legitimacy, the problem that the above exchange created was relational insecurity for David. It wasn’t that David intended to be a slob, he just wasn’t aware of the problem or her frustrations. Instead of telling David directly what she needed, she had gone to someone outside of the marriage to voice her complaints. This calls attention to an important principle, don’t say anything about your partner that you are not willing to say to them.
When we talk negatively about our spouse to someone else, it anchors those negative feelings without doing anything to resolve the situation. Each of us wants to believe two things: 1) that our spouse is coming directly to us with problems and concerns and 2) that he or she is building us up to the outside world. We never want to feel that our relationship is being undermined.
While most of us have slipped at one time or another in this area, I encourage you to make a conscious effort this week to say what needs to be said, directly to your mate. And with regard to those outside of your home, accentuate the positives. It will lead to different and more positive feelings about your husband or wife for you, and they in turn will feel valued as well.